Loss

My heart hurts. The pain isn’t sharp it’s gaeping. Like I’m gasping for air. My brother died yesterday. I hear nothing. I hear peace. I hear family members voices. I hear sadness, tears, prayers, anger and judgement. He is no longer lost. I’m reminded of things my brother taught me like brushing my teeth in the shower is a yes, it saves time but don’t leave the toothbrush in there when you’re done. He introduced me to the Beastie Boys and other great music and showed me how music can transform you. He taught to appreciate sports. I will always remember this light-hearted, popular, confident and funny character watching him play Gateway baseball games with his friends and the parties they would throw and never treating me like a tag along wherever we were. Just cruising in the Nomad and monster truck dropping me off and picking me up from school and spring break in Mexico. I remember a proud dad the first time Payne said, I’m a hockey dude and when he held his children for the first time.

He had a laugh that I will hold in my heart forever and big brown eyes of joy, laughter, sadness and pain. He is free now, not in chains held down by addiction and sadness. Alcoholism hurts a family. It hurts deep inside of the souls of everyone who has a loved one trapped in this cycle. We laughed together, we cried together. I will forever miss and love him. It’s a time to breath and reflect, a time to trust and a time to heal. A time to remember how important it is to take care of ourselves and eachother and to love family. A time to remember a funny and generous man. To his children, your dad loved you and never ever wanted to hurt you, we are here for you and love you with all of our hearts.

FLY HIGH big brother 💙